Pan, who Satan's image is modeled after

So, you think I'm a Satanist?

This here is about the most taboo of subject around many, many homes. People hear the name of what this is about, and they cringe with terror and scream. The story starts at the beginning of time. The Lord had just created the Heavens. Along with it came a shitload of angels. There was one called Satanel. It was also known as "The Accuser," or "Lucifer." It's job was to report human delinquencies to The Lord. It was the best fucking angel, and it knew it. So good, it thought it should be in The Lord's place. It got a bunch of other angels and rebelled against The Lord. They failed miserably. They were ejected to Earth, which The Lord created shortly after The Heavens.

On Earth were Adam and Eve, the first humans. While on Earth, Satan (who lost the suffix "el," which meant something along the lines of "King," since he was king of the angels) still worked for The Lord. What did it do? Well, let me tell you something first: The Lord instilled in man "free will," or the ability to choose between good and evil. Satan's job was to test mankind and see if they chose good over evil. He got Adam and Eve to break their only law, and they were ejected from paradise. I will also mention that Satan had "The Pit of Fire," or, it's more common name, "Hell." The sinners were thrown in it and burned for eternity.

The next time we hear of Satan (in The Bible) is in the book of Job. Some angels were floating around The Lord, and Satan The Accuser was with them. The Lord pointed out to Satan how righteous Job was. Satan replied, "Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face." (In modern words, he said, "You give him a bunch of shit. Why the fuck do you think he's so righteous. He gets everything for nothing!").

So, The Lord let Satan test Job, and Satan killed Job's family, destroyed his animals, and annihilated his servents. Job didn't lose his faith, and The Lord told Satan. Then Satan said, "Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life. But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and whe will curse thee to thy face." (In modern words, he said, "He's still got his health. Take that away."). So, The Lord let Satan smite Job with boils. Job didn't lose faith. Boy, did Satan feel like an ass. And that concludes the Job portion of our program. Now, we see what Satan's actual job is. There will be no Satanical ignorance in you after you're finished reading this, because hate comes from fear, and we fear what we don't understand. When you understand Satan's power, you'll stop all that fucking sinning that you do.

You may be wondering when we'll finally be rid of Satan. Well, during the end of the world (Armageddon, Apocolypse, Raputure, Doomsday, ect.), an angel will come down from Heaven with the key to the bottomless pit and a heavy chain in his hand. He'll seize Satan and bind him in chains for a thousand years. Afterwards, he'll be released for a while. He will go out to decieve the nations from every corner of the earth, and will gather them together for a battle. But fire from HEaven will come down on the attacking armies and consume them. Then Satan will be thrown into the lake of fire, that burns with sulfer, along with The Antichrist and The False Prophet (who is kind of like The Antichrist's promoter). There, they will be tormented day and night forever and ever. Poor sons-of-bitches. the end.