-To Fat Tony & his gang: "And how, may I ask, did you get past the hall monitors?"

-"Otto. That's one palindrome you won't be hearing for a while."

-"Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian students, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair."

-"Eat my shorts, young man."

-To Superintendant Chalmers: "I know Weinstein's parents were upset, Superintendent, but, but, ah, I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up: 'Yom Kip-pur.'"

-To Groundskeeper Willy: "Grease yourself up and go in, you--guff-speaking work-slacker."

-"If i were a truant boy out for a good time, I'd be right here. The Springfield Natural History Museum."

-"I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say."

-"Ah, Diorama-Rama, my favorite school event next to 'Hearing-Test Thursday.'"

-"I'm going to punish you for this, Bart. And it won't just be a simple caning this time."

-"Curse the man who invented helium. Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Jannssen."

-"Mr. Burns, it was naive of you to think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students."

-"I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of ish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right."

-"That's what i love about elementary school, Edna. The children will believe anything you tell them."

-"But mother, that sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!"

-"Yes, smother....er, mother."