Stuff I Picked Up In Different Places

How To Build An Atom Bomb
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format.
First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item.
Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.
Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.
To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.
Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction. The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!

The Diary Of A Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with incessant, sleep depriving pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Horror Poker Night
Jason, Myers, Fred, Leatherface, Chucky and a zombie sit down to play blackjack, at Myers' home

18:00: Jason, Freddy, Meyers, Chucky, a zombie and Leatherface have arrived at Myers' house for the yearly blackjack game between sequels. Several have brought snacks.
18:03: The first hand is dealt, and Jason is the dealer.
Chucky's looking confident, and so is Leatherface.. Meyers hits. A 7 with a six showing! And he busts. 23. Fred takes a hit. f***! 22! The zombie takes a hit. he has two showing and is hit a two. He screams brains brains and one assumes he wants to stay. Chucky has 20, so does Leatherface but they lose to Jason's blackjack. The zombie screams brains as he flips his card around he stayed on a six. "Dumb b******," Jason says.
19:04: Things are going okay for everybody, except the zombie who has lost an arm and a leg (literally). Leatherface decides it is the last straw when the damn zombie bites him, so he cuts his f***ing head off. Chucky hits. Meyers laughs but his laughter is stopped by a swift groin kick from Chucky. "Pint-sized b******!" screams Meyers.
"Take this s*** outside," Jason says. They go outside and Meyers throws him in a bag full of his dirty laundry.
"Your smelly socks cants stop me Meyers! Ohohohoho the fumes are making me dizzy.....oh." And Chucky's out like a bulb. Meyers walks in. Leatherface loses and turns into a zombie. Before he bites Freddy, Freddy transports him somewhere.
"Where'd you put him Kreuger?" Jason asks.
"How the f*** would i know someplace where hell have his soul pecked out, you know, typical agonizing death."
"Yeah yeah. Hit me voorhes."
"Call me Jason dammit!!!"
"Ok vorhees."
"Shut the f*** up Meyers!"
" Fred?"
"Ok Jase."
Meyers disappears. "Where did you send him Freddy? His worst nightmare?"
"Yeah the set of h20."
"Oh kool."
"Whata you got? Blackjack."
"Jase you wanna quit while your ahead?"
"Shut up you dreamchild c*********."
"What did you say Jason?"
"Shut the windows so it'll get drowsy c*********".
"Oh, ok,as long as you weren't insulting me".
"F*** I'm out. he you wanna go scare the s*** out of some people?"
"No, lets just wait here."
"You'll see."
*Knock knock*
"Come on in.!!!!"
"Hi Scream. Hi, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer guy!"
"Hey hey!"
"Why did you invite us we are busy you know making sequels and stuff now that we are so trendy and cool and s***."
"Jason? "
"Yeah Freddy?"
"Fastball special."
Suddenly Jason and Freddy cut them in to half then quarters the quarter quarters then -oh f*** you get the picture! Jason smiled and muttered as they played again. Jason could sell this house in the front of the Meyers place, he quietly said, "The trendy f***ers probably would have wanted to play old maid anyway......"